The REAL, real reason people are leaving your church...

Over the past few months you have likely read one or more articles about why people are leaving your church.  Perhaps it was about the “done with church” group, or 5 things that make visitors leave.  Perhaps you’ve read about why people don’t sing or engage in worship or how the “Millennial Generation” is no longer interested in church.  I know I’ve read many of these articles…

..and I started believing all of them.

I mean I REALLY BELIEVED all of them.  Something in the words of these wonderful authors resonated with me and I began to see all the issues they were writing about. 

MY CHURCH WAS DYING!!!  And these articles could “fix it.”

Ok, I need to confess here that I don’t have any clue why people are (aren’t) leaving your church.  My guess is that when someone leaves your church it’s because they don’t want to go there anymore.  I know that sounds simple, but stop and think about it.  Trying to answer “why” someone chooses a certain behavior is the subject of much disagreement by people who are trained in and study human behavior.  Maybe they didn’t like the music.  Maybe they didn’t like the coffee.  Maybe they found the sermon to “shallow”…or to “deep” to understand.  Maybe they are filled with so much hurt from being kicked around by the world that they aren’t ready to face it yet.  I don’t know.

What I do know is that I was convinced my church was “broken” and dying. 

This past Sunday night we had a “family meeting” – we invited everyone to come and talk about vision, purpose and overall church health.  We broke into small groups with leaders in each.  Our goal as leaders was to simply listen.  We even used the questions one of those articles had suggested we should ask people.  I was prepared for eye-opening honesty, as we asked people what they “really thought.” 

I was shocked.  Not is a bad way, but in a good way.  I listen to friends share about the “family” our church had become for them.  They talked about how much they enjoyed the teaching and appreciated the youth ministry.  They spoke of acceptance they had not found in other places.  One mentioned that she had thought about going other places (or not going to a church at all), but God had not released her from her family.  We laughed.  We cried.  We acknowledged that there is still Kingdom work to do in our community.  As I listened, I was encouraged.  I was hopeful.

Then it hit me: I had developed church-hypochondria. 

I had spent so much time reading about all the “problems” with churches that I was looking for any “symptom” that could explain what was wrong with my church and how we could fix it.  When we actually stopped and listened, we found a group of people who love God, love people and are looking to us, as leaders, to help them move this message into their community.  They are looking for someone to bring them from where they are, to where they want to go. 

We’re not dying. 

Maybe you’re not either.  Maybe we need to spend an equal amount of time looking for and celebrating the lives that are being renewed and transformed, as we spend reading about and looking for what’s wrong.  Maybe we need to worry equally about those who are “done” and those who would “come”.  Perhaps we could spend less time trying to make the church experience “perfect” and more time loving on everyone around us.

My church isn’t dying…it’s alive in Christ.

May we live and serve in churches, bodies of believers, who are sent to share hope and light to the world.

Why Good Elders Are So Hard To Find

In my religious herd, the churches of Christ, we frequently proclaim that we are “elder led churches”.  A misunderstanding of what this means for the last 70 years has led to ineffectiveness in many elderships.  Many churches seem to have abandoned a biblical model of leadership and adopted a business model instead.  This appears to have occurred primarily because churches took on massive debt (buildings usually) and needed to finance and manage these newly acquired assets.  For many churches, this leadership model became micromanagement; meaning every decision made about anything or anyone related to the church has to be approved by the eldership.  In some cases, the authority to make a decision has to be bestowed by the elders upon and individual or group of individuals with veto power reserved for the elders.  The “M’s” of the church (Ministers, Millennials and the Marginalized) are rapidly rejecting this power based leadership model and either abandoning their faith or finding a church with a different (and healthier) leadership model. 
How can an eldership change?  IF it’s possible, here are four suggestions:

1.)    Forget the name “overseer” (and all this name may imply) for a minute and go back and really seek to understand from scripture what the role of an elder is.  Too many elders believe they will have to “one day give an account to God for every ______________ (dollar, person, carpet color, sermon preached, small group discussion, toilet paper brand, or whatever) entrusted to this church.”  This is a lie.  Stop believing it.

2.)    Stop leading in fear.  When the church became a business (which is what occurred when churches started taking on massive debt and needed income to pay the bills), the leadership model became RISK MANAGEMENT and/or LOSS PREVENTION.  Fear of loss – however that is defined in a particular group – becomes the main force behind decisions.  God promised to destroy fear – shepherds of His church cannot lead by fear.

3.)    Get rid of the corrupt elder.  Almost every struggling eldership I have worked with has one or more elders who have been questioned or challenged by members for their practices or behaviors.  Frequently, the accusations deal with unjust leadership (lording over the church) or deception (lying, deceiving, and misleading others).  This elder maintains his role because he frequently wields the most power of persuasion.  Other elders are afraid to stand up to this man because of the fear-based leadership model discussed above.  Elders and elderships lose credibility, especially among ministers and young families, more rapidly through this behavior than any other means.  Stand up to the wolves among you, they are devouring your flock – this is your biblical charge.

4.)    Mentor others.  Every elder should be able to answer this question without hesitation: who (specifically, by name) are you mentoring right now?  If you can’t answer this question, you have a problem.

The Poor are (mostly) just lazy, right?! A 5 Step Guide to Talking About the Poor

A common belief among many middle-class Christian American's is that those who are poor remain poor because they won't work to "improve themselves" (read "they're lazy).  I have heard popular financial radio hosts and politicians often say things similar to, "there is no reason someone should be poor in America unless they have a mental illness or an addiction."  In full disclosure, I believed this for quite a while.  Not anymore...

Here is my simple 5 Step Guide everyone should follow before the speak, Facebook, tweet or write another word about poverty in America. 

1.)  Do not use your car for ANY reason for 2 weeks - not for an emergency, not to get to work, not to take the kids to school, not for any reason.  Use Public Transportation or have a friend drive you instead - good luck figuring out the bus schedule! (Most poor people don't have reliable transportation, so getting around is a challenge.)

2.)  For one week, do not eat breakfast or lunch if you have to pay for it.  If there are so many "free" meals available for poor people, this should be easy right?  Not paying for it includes ANY food in your house that you or a family member spent money on.

3.)  Work at a place that feeds or gives resources to the homeless/poor every night for one week.  Remember, it "should be easy" for poor people, so clearing our your schedule should be no big deal, right?  And, make sure you talk to non-volunteers while you're there.

4.)  Only spend $120 for one week on EVERYTHING.  This would include fuel, food, entertainment, supplies for work or school...EVERYTHING!  (How this number was chosen: individuals of low income status have about $400 per week to live on - this includes living expenses.  Assuming you would spend about $280 for rent and utilities (which is probably low), you're left with $120.  source)  

5.)  Don't use your cell phone for two weeks.  People always complain about poor people having cell phones, so give it a try.  Remember, it's "easy" to live without these things, right?

After you've done all five you are qualified (in my mind at least) to talk about breaking the cycle of poverty in America.  Hopefully, we can stop seeing people as "the poor" (a problem to fix) and instead, start seeing them as people.  Once we've spent a little time dealing with (some) of the same challenges other people deal with, we might have a different perspective.  If you don't try all 5, at least try one or two - it's eye opening.

The Future I See for the Churches of Christ ( and then it changed...)

The last few days I have watched on posts in one Facebook group as individuals have attacked each other back and forth, relentlessly defending their understanding of scripture as the only correct possibility.  In another Facebook group of leaders and ministers, also specific to my religious tribe the Churches of Christ, I have observed discussions about blocking other members so as to not listen to their erroneous statements.  I have observed as friends have become more incensed with each other over blog articles and book reviews.  I have even participated in a few of these discussions. 

Last night I wrote down some thoughts to write about where I believe my tribe, the Churches of Christ are headed.  Spurred by a friend’s article about why ministers are leaving the church (which I think he nailed, by the way), I had thoughts of how we can work to correct this trend.  What us as young leaders in the church could do to work with older leaders.  A discussion of how we eat are own at an alarming rate.  It might have been very helpful…it might have been useless.  Maybe it will be written someday.  I was very excited to dive into the issue this morning.

Then it happened.

I logged onto Facebook and saw these words:

“I've been proud of (her) for more than 25 years now, but never more so than yesterday.”

Curious I clicked to see what had occurred that brought out these words from someone I respect.  And there it was, the words that hit me this morning:

“She was place in my care 6/7/13 and stole my heart instantly. She was nicknamed "sweet pea" by my parents and loved by so many people. She had ongoing medical needs and was diagnosed with a rare, aggressive, and fatal heart condition 11/1/13 and was taken off life support on 11/5/13. I want to share the joy that she brought me the five months I was blessed to be her "mama".”

My own memories of our Cadee and the church in Trenton, MI overwhelmed me.  I could not even look at all the pictures or read all the posts on my friends wall, my emotions were so flooded.  

Here was the answer. 

Here was the God-story popping up again. 

When will we learn to view everyone God has placed in our lives as people He has placed in our care?  When will we learn that everyone, yes everyone, has ongoing needs?  When will we understand what it means to live as brothers and sisters and consider it joy that God has brought us together?  

Yes, relationships hurt. 

Yes, trusting means we will be let down.

Jesus died on the cross, not for you and me, but for the church!!  Read Ephesians 5 if you don’t believe me. 

Elders and leaders, can you shift the waves of pressure to ensure “safety” to lead your people into dangerous discipleship?

Young leaders, can you see the blessing of getting to work with people who may be dying in their dogma, but have no idea?  You may be the one to breathe life into them.

What will it take church?  When will we stop seeing people as objects to use or obstructions to our agenda and instead see people as people?

I plead with my tribe today, hear the words of Jesus, the words my friend posted yesterday as her daughter left this world:

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." Matthew 5:8

EQ and the Bible

Two weeks ago I was in Utah for a Parenting Seminar.  I was teaching on Emotional Intelligence, how to apply it and what the Bible says about EQ.  There are three main ideas with EQ: Know Yourself, Choose Yourself and Give Yourself.  Here is the video from it:

Beyond Sunday...

The message was challenging, the worship was inspiring and spending time with friends was encouraging.  You loaded your family up in the car and headed home with the best intentions about living out your faith during the week.  But, between Sunday morning and Saturday night, life happened.  You know “life” – the business of work, travel, friends and children (and all of the commitments to school, sports practices, music, dance, scouts and everything else…).  These and whatever else we try to cram into our weeks seemed to crowd out the hopes we had for doing Kingdom work during the week.  We roll back into our church gatherings on Sunday, wondering what happened.  And then, the cycle repeats itself – over and over and over.  I’m not sure there is any one way to break this cycle, but I have found a reality in my weeks that has helped me to address this.  During the week, most of us have moments each day where we are transitioning from one task to the next and we have the question, “Ok, what’s next?” go through our heads.  This question that flashes through our mind can become the catalyst to living our faith beyond Sunday.  Here’s what I mean – take this moment and use it and the next 45 seconds to re-center and re-focus your day.  Here are four questions you can ask yourself in this moment (or any moment) that can help move your faith beyond Sundays:

1.)  Who am I in the Lord?  The essence of this question is to remember that you belong to the King and you are here, on earth, to help build His kingdom.  You are chosen for today, for this moment, so make choices like you know it.  Don’t fall victim to Satan’s lies, telling you you’re not good enough or that you don’t matter.  You belong to God through His son Christ.

2.)  What is God calling me to do/be?  Have you ever considered why do you live where you live or work where you work?  Why was your son or daughter placed on that team or given that teacher?  What message did you hear recently that you knew was speaking to you?  Remember, your life is filled with purpose – living God’s purpose, so know the answer to this question.

3.)  What gifting/resources has God given me to fulfill His calling?  We are gifted and talented far beyond what we know.  God has given us everything we need to accomplish His calling in our lives.  Take a moment and recognize the equipping you received.  This will help us be bold in answering the last question…

4.)  What is the next step for me right now?  What is the next decision, choice or “thing” I need to do – right now, in this moment?  Do I need to change my focus or my priorities for today?  How can I better align myself with what God has called me to do?  Asking the first three questions can help us to better answer the question we are already asking ourselves: what’s next?

Four questions.  45 seconds.  How different would our weeks be if we took the time to ask these questions throughout our week?  Together, let’s move from good intentions to faithful living beyond Sunday.

Fat Tuesday Living

Fat Tuesday.

Indulge in life.  Do, eat or say anything you want and only feel guilty for one day.

Tomorrow, we’ll have to get serious about God and give worldly “things” up.  It will be cleansing, right?

I wonder today, if I have engaged in a lifetime of Fat Tuesday living?  Has my faith really changed the way I think, see and speak everyday; or only on the days I want to feel godly?  Or, have I set up boxes in my life that allow me to seek out for myself whatever my selfish heart desires at times; then magically jump into another box that allows me to present a self-sacrificing, holy living person?  Have I bought the lie that a little faith sprinkled here and there in my life is really all that Jesus expected of those who bear His name?

The Fat Tuesday life.  It’s not working for me…

Time for repentance – and not just for 40 days.

Time for change – not until the resurrection celebration, but because of the resurrection.

Anyone else need to give up the Fat Tuesday life?