Hurt

It was one of those comments that was just so out of place and hard to believe, I really didn’t even know how to react to it. I wasn’t mad or upset. I was just stunned. Standing in the isle at our daughter Cadee’s funeral, a well-meaning person came up to us, put his arms around our necks and said, “I just want you guys to know…you are so lucky. You got to have three months with your daughter…” Now before you think this person was completely out of touch, I must tell you, this was not the worst comment we heard. Our daughter Cadee was born into the middle of a mess. For her whole, short life, she was the hope that kept life going. On November 30th, 2006 she went to sleep for a nap and never woke up. I still don’t have the words to describe the hurt that I felt from that. In reality, the entire fall of 2006 was filled with hurt after hurt. In that context, you can imagine it was difficult to know how to respond to the person who came up to us and said, “I really know how much this hurts. We had a dog die recently and he was like a member of our family and I just know how much this hurts.” Honestly, my first response in my head was, “Wow! I mean, WOW! I don’t really know whether to cry, or laugh or scream.” Just so you know, I decided to laugh… not right at that moment, but in the car on the way from the church to the cemetery…we had a good (and much needed) laugh.

I have a friend who works in ministry in Indiana and last summer one of the students in his youth group was killed in a car accident. I remember talking with him on the phone after this happened and he made an interesting comment to me. He told me he was hurting, but then quickly said that he felt bad about hurting and that he needed to be strong for everyone else. He felt bad because he thought it wasn’t right for him to be hurting so much, when, in his mind, the family was the one that was really hurting. I realized something in that moment as I talked with him – there is no measure or scale for hurt. When you hurt…you hurt. If something you are experiencing is the worst hurt you’ve ever known, then it hurts more than anything you can imagine. For my friend, this was a deep hurt and it needed some attention. While his hurt was different from the hurt the kid’s parents were feeling… it was still real hurt and no less valid. And for the person whose dog had died recently, that hurt them and they wanted us to know they were hurting with us. The man who told us we were lucky was really saying that he was hurting, and some how the death of our daughter reminded him of his own hurts from the past.

Hurt has to be one of the toughest emotions for us to deal with as humans. It is hard for us to know what to say to hurting people. Our desire is to say something helpful, or do something that will help bring healing, but knowing what that is so difficult. On the other hand, experiencing hurt can often disrupt our whole life and leave us questioning so many things. If we are a person of faith, often our hurts cause us to question some of our core beliefs. It may seem like an obvious statement, but hurt hurts.

It seems to me that Jesus had a soft spot in his heart for hurting people. Throughout his recorded life, he always seemed to find those who had been hurt and bring some form of healing to their life. Jesus often violated cultural norms when he was healing people. In the cases of Jesus’ physical healing, he often was ministering to the outcasts of society. The woman with bleeding who touch his clothes was unclean according to society. The man born blind was under the suspicion of sin (either him or his parents). Lepers, lame, sick… even the dead were healed by Jesus. But Jesus also offered healing in many different ways. To Zacchaeus, he acknowledged that, not only was he someone worthy of sharing a meal with, he was also someone worth saving. To the Samaritan woman at the well, Jesus acknowledged that her past was filled with hurt, but offered her healing. Interesting that this Samaritan woman, who had been a complete outcast, was able to convince many people of her town came to believe in Jesus because of her!! (John 4:39) I wonder what the witness of a church would be if they could somehow find a way to offer healing to hurting people. How many communities might be positively affected if a church could find a way to really offer Jesus’ healing to hurting people!!

The challenge for the church is that when we are ministering to hurting people, we sometimes hurt to. When we see hurting people and when we reach out to hurting people, sometimes the scares from our past begin to sting a little again. Sometimes our open wounds are exposed and we realize that we still stand in need of healing. Hopefully we are reminded that we need each other and we are in continual need of God’s healing. Unfortunately, it seems so often in the church, we try to cover up our hurts and hide the broken people. I wonder how many times someone has been around a group of “church” people and thought they were the only one with any problems. My prayer for the church is that we may become a community of healing, a place where hurting people come and find they are not alone.

May our heart for hurting people beat in tune with the heart of God.

ReThinking Trust

I must have heard it a thousand times growing up, “Shawn, it takes a lifetime to build trust and only a moment to break it…” This statement was usually found in the context of a lecture from my parents. I had a problem with honesty growing up and time after time, my parents tried to help my master my lying tongue. It’s very likely that you too have heard this concept explained…in fact I rarely talk about trust with someone when the idea of “earning trust” doesn’t come up. Apparently, it is a fairly universally accepted idea that trust is something you have to earn…the world seems to suggest there is no other way. Google the phrase “how to earn trust” and you will return more the 57 million matches. One of my favorite movie scenes is from Meet with Parents when Jack (played by Robert DeNiro) explains to soon to be son-in-law Greg (played by Ben Stiller) about his “circle of trust”. The scene is hilarious, not only because it is well acted, but more so because it’s something we all relate to. We have to earn the trust of our parents, earn the trust of our children, earn the trust of our boss, earn the trust of co-workers, earn the trust of teachers… and the list goes on and on and on… To be honest, earning and then KEEPING peoples trust is an exhausting process. And as my mother articulated when I was young, one mistake…JUST ONE MOMENT OF ERROR…and trust is gone.

If you understand nothing else, please understand this. When we hold our trust from people, for any reason, we are participating in evil and perpetuating the spirit of performance. In short, we are telling people that if they are not good enough, or don’t do everything perfect…we will not trust them. This concept is an absolute lie, with no truth in it!

What does Biblical Trust look like. Consider Luke 15:11-32

The Parable of the Lost Son

Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them.
Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' So he got up and went to his father.
But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.
But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.
Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'
The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'
'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.'

Follow the flow of trust in this parable. First, the father trust his youngest son enough to give him half of his estate…while he was still alive. This act was socially and culturally unacceptable. In fact, it would have been an insult to the father that the younger son even had the audacity to make this request. Nevertheless, the father trusted his son, even with the insult. Then the son takes his father’s trust and money and runs for a foreign country where he promptly spends every last penny. Considering the fact that the father estate had servant, we can assume the father had a fairly large estate. As such, the son likely wasted a large amount of money. Needless to say, the son clearly broke the trust his father had given him. When the son finely came to his senses and began his journey toward home, even he knew his father had no reason to trust him. Were this scenario playing out in modern times, the consensus thinking would be that the father should not trust his son with anything. Furthermore, some would suggest that the only way the son could earn his father’s trust back would be through repayment of the money wasted. Still others would offer the idea that the son could never be trusted again. Contrast this to the father’s actually reaction. The father was eagerly waiting for his son’s return. Upon seeing him, he ran to him and embraced him. He ignored the son’s words about his own worthiness and instead placed a robe around him and a ring on his finger. Immediately and without any hesitation, the father restored the son to his status as son, and in so doing, he gave the son access to his estate and also gave him half of the estate he had left!! Imagine the response of his neighbors and friends. They would have considered him foolish!! So would we!!

So, what do we learn from this parable?? This simple, but life-changing truth: Trust is given, not earned. Nothing the son could do would earn him the trust of the father. The father (God personified in this story) chose to give his trust to his failing son. He trusted the one who had insulted, failed and humiliated him. He trusted even when it was likely the son would betray him again. This is Biblical Trust.

How many times have we talked about how we can never trust someone because of their betrayal? How many times have we given up on ever trusting anyone because of some past hurt or pain in our life? How many times have we failed to trust someone because we fear they will betray us again? How many times have we turned away from God because we figured he wouldn’t trust screw ups like us anyway? The answer to all these questions is: too many times. The spirit of performance lives in our decisions to not trust. It lives in our desire to make others earn our trust. And, the spirit of performance always leads to death. Death in our relationships, death in our families and death of our lives as God intends them.

Consider what it means trust, Biblically. To trust as God does and as He intends. Be prepared to stretch and grow through this difficult concept. Our instinctive response is to resist this idea. We want to preserve and protect ourselves, and this idea of giving trust seems to be in direct opposition to that. Yet, this Biblical trust is what called has called us to and it is

Love Remains...

Take a quick musical survey from pop culture and look for the answer to this question: what is love? You would likely find that love is a cliché - it’s in the air or some feeling a person experiences - or you would find that love is used synonymously with lust and sex. Surveys of teenagers confirm that most describe love as either a feeling or as a sexual act. In this context, it’s not hard to understand why many of us struggle to give and receive love.

First, let’s consider how we define love. Real love would better be describe as unconditional love. Unconditional love is free from the bonds of the spirit performance. It does not change based on mood or actions or thoughts. Real love can only increase and never decreases. This love is embodied in the person who sees us for all we are, knows all of our faults, understands are secrets and chooses to love us anyway. This is the love that God has for us. He knows us for all our faults, all our failings, all our secrets and He loves us just the same.

Romans 8:38-39 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Hear the weight in that verse!! The things Paul lists here are areas that we are consumed with! Life and death; demons; the future; power…everything in all creation! What Paul is saying is that nothing…not even ourselves…can separate us from God’s love. Nothing!!

Consider the practical meaning of this. When we fail to accomplish the tasks we’ve been asked to do…God’s love for us doesn’t change. When we turn are back on Him or even deny that He exists…His love for us doesn’t change. When we betray God…His love doesn’t change. No matter how far we walk away from God, He never ceases to love us. This is unconditional love.

Now consider the flip side. We can’t earn God’s love either. When we do everything we’ve been asked to do…God’s love remains the same. When we teach 100 people about God and they choose to follow Him…God doesn’t love us any more than He already did. When we encourage others or help someone in need…God’s love doesn’t change.

So why is unconditional love so important? Because we all need to have true acceptance. We need to be fully known and fully accepted. It’s in our creation DNA that we exist to be fully known and fully accepted. Our struggle to find acceptance is at the root of our pain. The spirit of performance that is at work in the world has convinced us that we are not good enough. From a young age we learn that if we do the “right” thing, we are rewarded; but if we do the “wrong” thing, we are punished. We learn to hide our mistakes and stop asking for help. We don’t admit our struggles and pretend to “have it all together.” Yet, we hurt because we wonder if we are really loved. We turn to other things to numb our pain. We engage in sexual activity in a search for “love”. We hurt and so we in turn hurt other people.

Hurting people hurt people…. It’s a true saying lived out in our lives everyday. It’s an endless cycle of pain and destruction. Every bit of this cycle rests in the heart of the spirit of performance - the spirit that lives in opposition to God.

So how do break the cycle? How do we find healing for our own wounds and offer hope to others in pain? Jesus gave his disciples very few commands, but one defined everything that He stood for.

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." - John 13:34-35

Love. Nothing more and nothing less. Unconditional, true love. Love that forgives and hopes and trusts. Love that serves others. For us to find the healing we need we must first accept God’s love for us, then turn and give this love to others - even the one’s who don’t deserve it and even the ones we don’t like.

Consider this passage from 1 Corinthians 13 in closing:

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Simplicity

In a world of ever increasing complexity, perhaps the church should stand out and offer a return to simplicity. As we look at the world around us, it becomes clear that our world is complicated and places many demands on our resources. Cell phones and e-mail, both wonderful tools I enjoy using, have made us available to others nearly 24 hours a day. The pressure to be active in community events, extra-curricular activities, job responsibilities and our own interest have us stretched in so many directions that sometimes are deepest desire is to have some time to just do nothing. Add to this the adding complexity of children’s schedules and ever having a moment to just “be still” becomes nearly impossible. If you watch and listen to commercials, many advertising agencies are trying to capitalize on this reality. Ads today are filled with phrases like, “simplify you life” and the word “relax”. Apple Co., in particular, has based the entire iPhone campaign around the idea of simplifying your life. The next time one of these commercials is on, watch and listen for phrases about simplifying life. Based on the success of the iPhone thus far, perhaps they have found a way to connect their product with people on a deeper level. There is of course some irony in the fact that the iPhone makes one available via all forms of communication (phone, e-mail, instant messenger and even through the internet). Interesting that as with so many things in life, the iPhone seems to promise one thing but actually delivers the entire opposite. Regardless, there is a desire in our society to try and find some simple things in life.

What if a church was able to offer something simple? What if the church were to stand up and cry out, “God wants you to rest!” Perhaps God was not just calling His people to rest, but also to simplicity when He established the Sabbath day. Yes, the life of faith is filled with mystery and intrigue, but in many cases the chains of legalism and the bonds of complexity have stolen away the simple truth of God’s message of hope for our lives. In contrast, the church should be a stronghold of simplicity. Simple worship. Simple doctrine. Simple teaching. Simple ministry. Everything a church does should convey simplicity. For many churches, I wonder if we’ve poured so much time and energy into making everything look right, feel warm and inviting and making sure everything we say is worded just right, that we create an organism that is overly complicated and ultimately uninviting.

Martin Luther as an advocate of the people desired simplicity in the church. One of the major objections he had with the Catholic Church (as it existed in Europe at the time) was that the church’s doctrine suggested that only clergy could really understand the deep truths of God. Consequently, he felt the church discourage personal reading of the Bible and generally conducted mass in Latin, a language few commoners understood. To Luther, this seemed to be the opposite of what God’s invitation implied; that all people, from all nations, would gather together to become the church. He also seemed to advocate that the Bible, and the pursuit of God, is not a complicated thing. Certainly it is not an easy endeavor, but the challenge of a walk of faith should not stem from someone being stymied by confusing and complicated church doctrine. This called to simply would seem to be one that ought to be sounded again in the modern church.

Perhaps one of the reasons the church is seemingly struggling to reach new people is because we have made the church so complex and complicated. Have all of our efforts to become “seeker friendly” really just turned into a scheme to make ourselves feel better about the color of the walls in our building? Has our doctrinal stance on social issues served merely to pat ourselves on the back and reminds ourselves that we have always been right? Could it be that we have become such legalists in our pursuit of being right, that we have neglected the true purpose(s) of the church?

I for one am ready for something different. I am ready to be part of a church that seeks and brings simplicity to a walk of faith. I am ready to join with other believers in the pursuit of hope. I am ready to become part of faith community that seeks to truly make a difference in the world we live in. I am ready to move beyond talking about “us” and instead start carrying a simple message of hope to those who feel wounded, broken and alone. This is the church Christ died for. This is the church God is raising up.

Spiritual Growth

I was sitting in a leadership meeting recently discussing congregational concerns. This meeting was no different than any other leadership meeting you may have attended. This was somewhat unique for me in two ways. First, after getting to attend these meeting for years every month when I was the youth minister, I had not attended an elders and deacons meeting in almost 18 months. Second, I have never been a deacon before, which is to say that I have never been in one of these meeting where I also have a job outside of the church. While that discussion is for another blog topic, I will simply say this: the view from this side of the fence is very different. I think every minister should be required to work in a non-church job while trying to support their family; it would change some perspectives I think.

Anyway, on the agenda to discuss was this recently raised concern: “Need for congregational emphasis on spiritual growth.” When I read this statement, the first thought that popped into my head was, “What does that mean?” As I began to mull this over in my head I became increasingly concerned with how I have understood what spiritual growth is for most of my life. I have been in many meetings and discussion with different groups of people who have often discussed the need for spiritual growth. As I began to think through these conversations I made some disappointing observations.

Perhaps the most disappointing is the realization that most, if not all, of the times I have discussed spiritual growth it has been in the context of something others need to do. The conversation was laced with phrases like “Why don’t they think this is important?” and “How can we help them be more spiritual?” How embarrassing!! How arrogant!! I wonder if this is a major turn off to people who are either outside of the church or have just begun their walk of faith. I can only imagine how this attitude has come across to others over the years. I guess I wonder if there is still at least a hint of this attitude in our theology. Perhaps we understand spiritual growth more as a series of checklist items we can “complete”. It concerns me that so often the conversations about spiritual growth are almost always tied to how many people we are (or aren’t) baptizing. It’s almost as if we assume that if our church is not baptizing many people; then we must not be growing spiritually. Of course if we are asked if that’s how we measure “growth”, we are quick to say “it’s not about numbers,” but let’s be honest, it is about the numbers. I am often concerned that when we talk publicly about spiritual growth, our conversation is about needing to pray a little more or read our Bibles a little more. Perhaps we even have an occasional talk about fasting or some other spiritual discipline, but the reality seems to be that we don’t really expect anyone to adopt these practices. I wonder if all of this stems from our over emphasis on the beginning stages of the faith walk: coming to church and getting dunked.

Spiritual growth is about the pursuit of holy living. It’s about becoming increasingly holy; being set apart. It’s about choosing to give up the things that make us comfortable in the attempt to become more like the image of Christ. It’s about changing the way we think and refining the way we see. It’s about confronting evil. Standing out as light in the darkness. Holy living brings abuse and persecution. When Jesus taught about holy living, he made people sad and uncomfortable because they knew it was not something they had arrived at. Think of the rich young ruler, told to go and sell everything and give it away. He had completed the checklist (following the ten commandments) but still needed to grow spiritually. Note to that the scriptures say that Jesus “had compassion” for the man – and he still went away sad!! Look at Job. This man had everything taken from him except those who were discouraging to him. For Job, his call to holy living was simply to not curse God when everything around him was screaming at him to do it! Esther was called to confront evil, face to face, and risk her own life. Look around today. There are people living out this pursuit of holiness all around us. People who are moving up the ladder of success, but rather than spend their additional resources on themselves, they are moving into smaller houses and driving older cars so that they can find ways to give more to others. Around us are those who when they say the spent last night praying for us, we know it wasn’t a passing statement in a prayer over a meal, but rather that they were literally on their knees all night crying out to God on our behalf. People who giving up there own comfort to serve others, often to serve the outcasts of society. They seldom talk about themselves or what they are doing; rather, they quietly go about their lives advancing the Kingdom of God into new places. What always strikes me is how I feel both drawn to these people, yet also struggle to be around them. For me, when I am around them I see my own failures. It’s like the light shining from them exposes the darkness in my life. And seeing my own needs, I am faced with a choice…to be like them, empty myself and pursue holiness; or return to the safe group who talks about a new program to help people experience spiritual growth…

It’s time for the church, the body of Christ, to be about holy living.